The Leftover Woman

The smell of ghee rice filled the whole house. Little nieces and nephews running around the living room while screaming at each other. Meanwhile the adults gathered at the dining room chatting away happily while chomping down samosas and hot masala tea.

Taking advantage of the situation, I quickly sneaked into my room whilst trying to avoid eye contact with any mamaji (uncle) or masiji (aunty). I locked the door and jump into the bed breathing a sigh of relief knowing that I successfully evaded them from asking / interrogating about my love life and my marriage plans.  Well I am officially 25 - the prime age to tie the knot, settle down and pop out babies.

I have my family and relatives literally breathing down my neck, pressuring me to "settle down" in life. They are apparently worried that I am going to be one of the LEFTOVER WOMAN. What is a leftover woman you may ask. According to the society, a leftover woman is a woman above the age of 25 who is still single. If this sounds rude to you, you will be amazed at the level to which this term is popularized across the society. 

So you are above 25 and out of the blue you have your relatives, family friends telling you that you are next, your girlfriends are probably either married with few babies or have just walked down the aisle and everyone is so concerned about you not getting married or planning for your marriage. The funny part is that you are everyone's pet project and they are determined to throw you in the bandwagon with the rest of the ladies. 

I wholeheartedly admit that I am freaking out. All of a sudden I feel so pressured and cornered without any room to breathe. I feel something is wrong with me that I am not ready for marriage and that's when I realized that all the harping from my family was finally getting into my head and messing up my thoughts. 

I ended up having a very serious conversation with my parents telling them that I am not ready and I might not be for the next 4-5 years or so. I think that last bit hit my dad quite hard and I saw him placing his hand on his chest. (I thought I killed my dad ) but thank god he was just being dramatic. (Phew) 

I had to reason out with him and assure him that I am going to be fine. I don't mind being the Leftover woman. All my life I have always knew what I wanted and I have worked really hard to achieve it. The same goes for marriage. When I feel I am financially, mentally and emotionally ready, I will settle down. I wouldn't want to tie the knot despite knowing that I am not financially ready and mummy and papa are paying all the bills. Hell No! I am a self made woman who have always done things on her own and this I will too. I am not going to panic just because the clock is ticking. Heck, I am willing to freeze my eggs if fertility is going to be an issue. 

I have dreams, visions and missions. I also have a lot of debts (house , car) and there is no way that I am willing to overlook all of these and just plunge into marriage just to please the society. So dear parents, relatives, friends and family, just because I am 25 and still single doesn't mean I am missing a lot in life. Lovers will come and go but I must live with myself forever. 

It perplexes me that I have to explain this simple piece of common sense but it seems totally lost on our generation. You live once- one single time. It seems to me that when people realized they have entered their late 20s unattached, they start to panic and throw the present to the wind in an attempt to set the life they always thought they would have by their early 20s. 

The message that I am trying to convey is that the quest for true love doesn't have to have a time line and shouldn't prevent you from enjoying your pet years as a single adult. Love for yourself, discover what makes you love waking up everyday. 

Marriage vs Wedding

"I am a bundle of nerves. My legs are turning into jello and I could feel the whole animal kingdom in my tummy. The dress is too heavy and the corset is practically squeezing my lungs. Just a couple of minutes more and I would be walking down the aisle and off to my long dreamy honeymoon. No random aunt or long distanced cousin who I have to strike a conversation with while wondering how do I know them. Just couple of minutes more.. "

I am not married yet but I am pretty sure every bride has gone through a similar scenario on their wedding day. I have attend a decent amount of weddings and honestly I am beginning to hate the whole idea of wedding.

Wait right there. I can foresee some of you who wants to dig my eyeballs out, I would just like to clarify that I am not against the idea of marriage. I just loath the idea of wedding.

Marriage is an institution that benefits two families, that brings together two people and two families closers. Where as wedding is an enterprise. Wedding is a business that benefits so many different group of people except for the bride and groom.

From the way I see it, it's the florist, the dj, the caterers, designers who exploits two people who are madly in love with each other.

I don't understand why do we need to commercials such a sacred ceremony by going out and beyond. Some even go to an extend of taking up a personal loan for their big day. Why bite more than you can chew?

What is so wrong in having a small ceremony with just the immediate family members  to witness the exchange of vows. Why are we in a competition with others and trying to outdo the rest.

Now don't even get me started on the wedding reception. From the food to the deco everything has to be extravaganza and exclusive. why? Because we need to satisfy everyone else (the neighbours, extended relatives and some not so close family friends). If we don't throw a lavish wedding reception, what would they say about us. How about our reputation in the society?

Just hold it right there. Are you telling me my marriage and union is not legitimate if I don't throw a wedding reception. Come to think of it. I personally feel that a wedding is for the public and not for myself. It's not about what I want but to make sure everyone else is happy.

I can go on and on about this but in a nutshell I am not saying that I am against marriage or the union of two people who are madly in love.

What I don't agree is with the whole idea of wedding which is exploited and commercialised.

When I walk down the aisle into the arms of my loving husband to be, I wouldn't want to be weighed down with debts of a luxurious wedding that I cleary can't afford.

Workplace Myth

It has been more than a year since  I stepped into the corporate world. 

Nothing much has changed since then. It probably got dirtier compared to the last time. 

I thought that I was finally getting the hang of it. I could adapt to the environment and try not to be tainted by the dirt while earning an honest living. 

Well, I was wrong. I learned something new in a pretty harsh way (don't we all learn things the hard way)

I am pretty sure most of us have heard of the most famous workplace myth about making friends and I am about to share my perception about it. 

How do you know if your work friends are your real friends? 

Just because you share coffee together, share lunch and see each other for 8 hours a day doesn't mean your colleague is your best friend. 

Sometimes (actually most of the time) working colleagues are just people you hang out with while you happen to be stuck in the same building. 

There is a difference between close friends and people that you work with. 

So how do we differentiate one from another?  its easy to mistake one for the other, especially when you are alone away from home. In school, making friends is as simple as walking up to someone and introducing yourself. When all your school friends seems to be on a different path than yours, the tendency is to target your co-workers. It makes sense. After all you spend more than 8 hours with them than anyone else. 

There are differences between close friends who will be there for you through tough times and people you hang out with while you happen to be stuck in the same building. 

Don't try to find a new best friend in the office. Office is the place you work and try to grow not a place to build friendship. 

Most people have an agenda hidden up their sleeves and they could be the one carrying tails and burning your bridges while at the same time being all friendly towards you. 

You are just another passing cloud or a stepping stone that they could use to climb up the ladder. 

So have your guards up at all times. Go to office to work and not to make friends because your office mates are not the same as your best friends. 

Bittersweet 2014

It's the last day of 2014 and this time I decided to reflect how this whole year has been and try to learn as much as I can before I start a new chapter.

January 2014
My graduation was scheduled this month and I was very excited about it. I have struggled for 3 1/2 years working part time and studying full time to achieve this scroll. But even the final lap posed a challenge. I didn't have the cash to graduate. If I am not mistaken it was only RM350 for my robe rental and pictures yet I didn't have the cash. Towards the very end I thought I was not gonna make it but mom stepped up and gave me the cash to proceed with registration. To finally receive the scroll after a long wait was definitely worth it. I can't remember smiling so widely, helding my head high knowing that I made with till the very end.

This month also have left a huge scar that I will be carrying with me for the longest time. I was working in a Compounding Pharmacy as a chemist and I totally loved my job. But nothing is what it seems like. After working there for a while I found out that it is not registered under Ministry of Health and was pretty much operating illegally. I freaked out and tried to leave. Things were getting sour to the extend I was even harassed at work. I left the premise that very day and when I demanded for my salary, they refused point blank. I had to fight for it and somehow I managed to obtain certain amount of it and I sweared never to return to this place again.
I learned the biggest lesson in life : I have to fight for my rights and I have to do that ALONE.

February 2014
I got a job as Medical Claims Examiner in an MNC and I quick grabbed it. Financial situation at home was bad so I had to grab whatever opportunity that comes my way. I didn't have money to start the job and everyone at home refused to help. Whatever savings I had was used by dad to pay outstanding bills. I had to find a way out. I borrowed RM300 from a very dear friend and went for it.

March - June 2014
I got a taste of corporate life and it was anything but nice. I was very attach to one girl who I looked up to as a sister and she was the same person who has been burning my bridges from the start.
I have stood up for her, defended her and loved her dearly but she was the most manipulative being I have ever come across. I was just a pawn that she made used of in office. When I started slowly realising the truth, she turned the tables and started a cold war towards me. She started tarnishing my name and work ethics. I kept silent through out this ordeal. I knew there was no point in fighting back because you can't win with someone who chooses not to see the truth.  After Eid holidays, she apparently fall very sick and was unfit to work.  No one knows what was going on. All her work load was on my shoulders.  I had to struggle to complete the job of 2 person. She made severe errors in most of her cases and I had to clear her mess. Deep down there was a little part of me that still cared for her but all that changed when I found out that she wasn't really sick.  It was all a hoax. While she claimed being hospitalised she was actually out racing in Sepang with her husband. Pictures were uploaded in Facebook and a little part of me died. I couldn't believe that people can be so deceiving. Eventually she tendered her resignation via email and I was her back up for all the pending cases.  I am proud to say despite all the tears and struggle I managed to clear the mess and ace it. I was a confirmed staff by the end of it.

What I learned through this period :
Corporate life is dirty.  You can't trust anyone.  Someone is secretly planning your downfall. You either make use of people here or get used. You always have to watch your back because to most people climbing up the ladder means pushing someone down. Career progression means spoiling someone's rice bowl.

July to September 2014

It took me almost half a year to fit into the corporate world.  I have come into terms that I won't play this game. I am gonna do whatever it takes to make sure my work is perfect and my hands are clean. I refuse to be part of the act.

The best thing happen to me during this period of time. I fell in love. I fell head over heels for an amazing man.
Initially I had loads of red flags in my head. I had a feeling I was making a wrong move. I didn't want to make a mistake. But one thing lead to another and I have given my heart away. This man has been a beautiful addition to my life and he has taught me a lot.  I learned to face my biggest fears, to learn how to deal with my emotions instead of bottling it up. He showed me how to take things positively and not expect the worst case scenario. It was not an easy ride. We faced a lot of challenges and he did broke my heart twice.
I don't know if holding on is being stupid but I know everyone deserves a chance to work on themselves.  Despite knowing I am putting my heart on the line and the chances  of things not working out is pretty high, I told myself I am gonna take the risk.
During this period of the year, I have learned to be RECKLESS. Not to go by the books and learned to trust my gut feelings. I learned to trust despite the doubts. I learned to love despite being hurt.

October 2014
Those who knows me on personal grounds will agree that I don't spend money on myself.  I rather spend it on others than use it for something personal.  But this time I managed to surprise everyone even myself by buying a CAR. I saved up enough money to pay the downpayment and other miscellaneous fee. I paid every single cent by MYSELF. I did not take any cash from my family. I am pretty proud that I managed to achieve something I never thought was possible.
What I have learned is : To dream big and work my way towards it. It's not a race with anyone else neither it is a race with time. I will achieve my goals if I kept working on it diligently.

November 2014
I was in such a situation that will make anyone laugh in disbelieve. One of my working colleague (male ) went up to my manager and  complained about me. He is an under performer by the way and everyone has tried to help in every possible way even to the extend of spoon feeding him but there was still no improvement.  According to this genius, his productivity and quality is affected because I am not friendly towards him. I don't talk to him hence he is very stressed at work. When he tries to approach me, I lash out at him and he is very afraid to talk to me. All these have affected him a great deal that he can't perform.
Yeah.  You read it right. Just for your kind information this came from a 29 year old man. When I had one to one session with my manager and this was brought up I was so furious.  I called him into the room and questioned him. I demanded for proof and justifications for all his allegations.  Despite speaking for 3 hours. He was still adamant and still felt he was right. I walked out of the room and let my team manager handled it.
I have learned from this incident : that age is not a yardstick to measure someone's maturity. You can't rationalise with idiots because they will never get the point. And of course people can be SO STUPID!!!!!!!

December 2014

I would say the end is always the hardest.  It always have been for me at least.  I lost a very dear friend.  Someone that I trusted with my life.  Someone who knew me for years. I have went all out to help him but he eventually turned around and bite me. I have shed the most tears during this month and I have learned the biggest lesson of all. Not everyone deserve your help. Not everyone will be happy when you are happy. People thinks that they have a right to decide how you live your life and if you choose a path that differs from theirs you are actually betraying them.

2014 is the year I actually became an adult.  I got to see life as what it is.  I met people of all walk of life and I learned a lot of valuables lessons that have changed who I am. I am stronger and wiser and I also know I have yet a lot more to learn from life and people around me. I thank everyone that has been my strength. All those who have hurt me and brought me down and all those who showered me with love. I know 2015 is gonna be a great year and I definitely can't wait to embark this new journey.  Before I pen down, I would like to apologise to everyone. I know I have hurt some of you and I am truly sorry. I hope we can start fresh and make up for everything that happened.

See you all next year. :)

Lone Ranger

It's always nice to know you have someone around through good times and bad. You don't expect them to make things better for you but to just be there, hold you hand and not let you drift.

That person can be a friend, family, bf/gf and etc. As long as they understand you, loves you and are always there for you is sufficient.

For those who are lone rangers, I feel your pain. It's tough to be strong through bad times and not let anyone notice the troubles. Everyone has seen you strong and they expect you to be strong no matter how strong is the tide.

That's a lot of pressure. Feeling trapped because you have no way or no one to turn to. You end up isolating yourself. Being a recluse because it's easier to deal with it behind close doors. It's easier to breakdown when no one is looking.

Once you have let it all out, you wash of the pain and any traces of it and walk out of the door with the brightest smile you have.

Everyone sees you as someone very strong but I tell you that you are the weakest being among the lot.

You fear people will not love you when you show them how much you are going through. They will not see you as the same person, not treat you like before and you keep everything bottled up.

Hide everything under the carpet and walk about like you are leading a perfect life.

You need to start making a change. Start opening up and sharing your thoughts. Most people will be ready to hear as it's a new piece of gossip for them. Something new to talk about while they are having coffee. But I choose to believe that there will be at least one person who genuinely cares. Who will stick around and make sure you are not alone.

So I am gonna try to make a change. To be there for someone who needs me because I know how it feels to deal with pain alone.

Future plans

I personally feel that we are fed with alot of lies when we were students. Everyone always advice and promise us pretty much the same thing : study hard, get good pointers and you will get a job of your dreams.

Let me tell you this : it's all lies!! Once you graduate with a scroll, you get a taste of the bitter scary world out there.

I graduated with first class honors and my scroll is literally collecting dust in my drawer.

There are very few of us who actually got a job related to the course we studies for  in university. A number of them are still unemployed. Some decided to further their studies with hopes that they will land the job of their dreams.

And then there are the small fraction who has join the corporate world with the mindset at least we have a job that pays the bills.

I fall under that category. I am horrified thinking about my future because this is not part of my post graduation plan.

Where did I go wrong? I studied hard, obtained good pointers, was involved in extra-curricular activities. So where did I fail?

I guess none of us did fail but the education system did.

Thousands  of student graduate with a degree and quite a number of them are unemployed.

No we are not choosy when it comes to job but I do believe that we deserve to have a choice when it comes to our future.

So many of us fall victim to the failed education system of the country.

It doesnt matter anymore if you have graduated with top grades, it doesn't matter if you speak and write fluent English.

It is all about contacts and who knows you.

You have good contacts and you will nail the job.

Yeap. That's the bitter truth. That's what they should teach us in school.

I don't see this changing anytime soon.
I just hope all those students who weaving dreams and hopes to land a job of their dreams stay strong because reality bites.

here comes goodbye

The girl that has been constantly fighting everyday is finally losing hope.
I fought the hardest and probably the toughest battle in my life recently and i am losing.
it doesn't feel good, especially when you know the price of losing is your life.

But honestly, i am proud of how far i have come. i am proud of all the battles i have fought and most importantly of who i have become. Its ok that it has to end this way, at least i know i didnt give up without a fight.

i pushed everyone slowly away, no one knows what i am going through. i dont think they will be strong enough to see me suffer, so i pushed them away. you will be surprised to know how easily people can forget about you and go on with their life.  :)

i have been constantly alone during most of my battles and this is no different. But, it hurts at times knowing that you might not have anyone around you during the last stage of your life.

i am glad everything is gonna end soon. All the sufferings, pain and struggles that i had to endure. i am saying my last goodbye with my head held high. i am not a quitter but a fighter and now i am gonna die fighting.

to the people that i love,

i am sorry for pushing you away,
i dont want to force anyone to be there for me.
i wanted to do this alone. so i hope you understand.
thank you for the beautiful memories.
i truly hope that every time you think of me, you smile :)


p.s. i wish i had more time, but thank you God for everything :)