Lone Ranger

It's always nice to know you have someone around through good times and bad. You don't expect them to make things better for you but to just be there, hold you hand and not let you drift.

That person can be a friend, family, bf/gf and etc. As long as they understand you, loves you and are always there for you is sufficient.

For those who are lone rangers, I feel your pain. It's tough to be strong through bad times and not let anyone notice the troubles. Everyone has seen you strong and they expect you to be strong no matter how strong is the tide.

That's a lot of pressure. Feeling trapped because you have no way or no one to turn to. You end up isolating yourself. Being a recluse because it's easier to deal with it behind close doors. It's easier to breakdown when no one is looking.

Once you have let it all out, you wash of the pain and any traces of it and walk out of the door with the brightest smile you have.

Everyone sees you as someone very strong but I tell you that you are the weakest being among the lot.

You fear people will not love you when you show them how much you are going through. They will not see you as the same person, not treat you like before and you keep everything bottled up.

Hide everything under the carpet and walk about like you are leading a perfect life.

You need to start making a change. Start opening up and sharing your thoughts. Most people will be ready to hear as it's a new piece of gossip for them. Something new to talk about while they are having coffee. But I choose to believe that there will be at least one person who genuinely cares. Who will stick around and make sure you are not alone.

So I am gonna try to make a change. To be there for someone who needs me because I know how it feels to deal with pain alone.

Future plans

I personally feel that we are fed with alot of lies when we were students. Everyone always advice and promise us pretty much the same thing : study hard, get good pointers and you will get a job of your dreams.

Let me tell you this : it's all lies!! Once you graduate with a scroll, you get a taste of the bitter scary world out there.

I graduated with first class honors and my scroll is literally collecting dust in my drawer.

There are very few of us who actually got a job related to the course we studies for  in university. A number of them are still unemployed. Some decided to further their studies with hopes that they will land the job of their dreams.

And then there are the small fraction who has join the corporate world with the mindset at least we have a job that pays the bills.

I fall under that category. I am horrified thinking about my future because this is not part of my post graduation plan.

Where did I go wrong? I studied hard, obtained good pointers, was involved in extra-curricular activities. So where did I fail?

I guess none of us did fail but the education system did.

Thousands  of student graduate with a degree and quite a number of them are unemployed.

No we are not choosy when it comes to job but I do believe that we deserve to have a choice when it comes to our future.

So many of us fall victim to the failed education system of the country.

It doesnt matter anymore if you have graduated with top grades, it doesn't matter if you speak and write fluent English.

It is all about contacts and who knows you.

You have good contacts and you will nail the job.

Yeap. That's the bitter truth. That's what they should teach us in school.

I don't see this changing anytime soon.
I just hope all those students who weaving dreams and hopes to land a job of their dreams stay strong because reality bites.

here comes goodbye

The girl that has been constantly fighting everyday is finally losing hope.
I fought the hardest and probably the toughest battle in my life recently and i am losing.
it doesn't feel good, especially when you know the price of losing is your life.

But honestly, i am proud of how far i have come. i am proud of all the battles i have fought and most importantly of who i have become. Its ok that it has to end this way, at least i know i didnt give up without a fight.

i pushed everyone slowly away, no one knows what i am going through. i dont think they will be strong enough to see me suffer, so i pushed them away. you will be surprised to know how easily people can forget about you and go on with their life.  :)

i have been constantly alone during most of my battles and this is no different. But, it hurts at times knowing that you might not have anyone around you during the last stage of your life.

i am glad everything is gonna end soon. All the sufferings, pain and struggles that i had to endure. i am saying my last goodbye with my head held high. i am not a quitter but a fighter and now i am gonna die fighting.

to the people that i love,

i am sorry for pushing you away,
i dont want to force anyone to be there for me.
i wanted to do this alone. so i hope you understand.
thank you for the beautiful memories.
i truly hope that every time you think of me, you smile :)


p.s. i wish i had more time, but thank you God for everything :)

Common sense says that if you make a mistake, don't do it again. But it's hard to stop getting hurt by people I loved. I guess it's a curse to care about people who don't. Maybe one day I'll realize what I'm doing and be a lot more careful. Until then, I'll just keep wondering why it's hard to keep my heart in one piece

I feel a shortness of my breath
I feel I’m falling to my death
My heart is heavy it’s beating fast

How long does this empty feeling last
It’s all my fault I hurt him badly
Now he’s leaving I say sadly
This life is short & full of pain
It seems I’m gonna go insane
What is normal who’s to say
I know that pain is the price I pay
Is it worth it to try & mend this
He’s so easily offended
I don’t know what else to do
I’m lost I’m hurt I don’t have a clue
Another loss this love is over
I need some luck like a four leaf clover
I don’t know why this happens to me
I’m to blame can’t you see
So be gone & don’t look back
I won’t be here for you to attack
I loved you more than you’ll ever know
So turn around like you said & go

when you love someone who will always care eventhough it kills you

when you once love someone, you will always care for that person no matter how he treats you or how much he has hurt u in the past.

yes.. i love you .. i still do..
and whenever you call, i cant reject your calls.

i have been so worried about you these past few days. i even dreamed about you. now i know why. you were in trouble.
when you called me today, and your cried on the phone, i just broke down. i cant scold you or ignore you even though you called me names previously.

i just cant...

i talked to you to make sure that you are ok and i tried my best to help you.

i talked to the girl that you are in love with right now so that she will accept you and be with you.

both of you have hurt me so much.... but i still care and i want you to be happy.

but no one ones that i am not so strong, this whole process of making things work out for you is killing me. its like opening back old wounds.

(tears rolling down the cheeks)

i wish i could just turn around whenever you re in trouble. but i cant... :(

to hear you confess to me how much you love her and how u wish to be with her...

(pause to wipe my face as i cant see due to the tears flooding my eyes)

i really wish that things work out for you and i hope i dont hear from you ever again.

i cant go through this over and over again..

:'(

i guess i got to stop now if not i am gonna get electrocuted as my tear drops are falling down on the extension plug.

life so far...

i know it has been ages since i last drop by to update my blog. (blow the dust away)

sem 5 came to an end and now i am on my sem break. finally i can sit clueless and wonder what to do to kill time.

alot has taken place this sem. i dont even know where to start.

things with daniel is over for real. he is my past right now.a lot of drama was involved and it was ugly. but it is finally over. i do miss him every now and then. i have been dreaming about him for the past 3 days. i guess i just miss him.

he is with someone else right now. i hope this works out for you.

me on the other hand, i am happy the way i am now. stronger and wiser.

this sem has been challenging. lecturers do not help the students like they used to.. not much tips, at times no tips at all. doing past year questions do not help as they set a standard of only 10 % of past year questions can be recycled.  sigh...

other than that, i had research project to be completed. a girl copied my idea and another big scene there.

(sigh)
i dont get it.. y so many mean people around. they stooop so low. dont they feel guilty? how do they even live with the fact that they have done something so mean to someone else. that issue has settle and i have learned from my mistake. i am not gonna be nice and i am gonna think of myself first.i am done being used and taken for granted.

i presented my research project poster and received positive feedback for the evaluator. i even hand in my proposal to my supervisor. i even passed the seed grant and i am hopping for the best.

during this sem break, i am gonna start working on the dry research (just in case if i do not get the seed grant)

next sem, i wont be taking any heavy subjects. the subjects that i am taking next sem is clinical diagnostic 2, malaysian study, moral study and research project 2.

oh yea.. i have also completed my internship forms and passed it to the lecturer. (one less thing to worry about)

cant believe time pass by so fast. i am gonna graduate in matter of months. hopefully after graduation, with god's grace i can do my masters :)

(time to be emo)

i miss shamini and his family. i know daniel told me to stay away from them (i have no idea why). i miss them so badly. especially sham. i am not sure how she feels and if she still thinks of me. but i miss her and i am worried about her. haizzz :(

i hope one fine day all this mess get sorted out and things will be better (fingers across)

shammy: bahan misses u :( u stay strong and study smart k. i know you can do it. work your way towards achieving your dreams. i love you