journey of a final year student

say hello to sem 5!!
even the first week is crazy.
choosing supervisor, deciding whether to do wet or dry lab and of course i already received my first assignment and project.

however i am not complaining.
i decided to continue tutoring and keep myself as busy as possible.

ok.. emo time

i miss him.. so damn much,,
he is still my first and last thought everyday.

i always forget to forget u.
get what i mean
(sigh)
i am crapping

i am scared of myself.
i am afraid i might end up doing something stupid
thats the reason i want to be as busy as i can be.

i dont feel like eating but i am forcing myself to eat
and when i have nothing to do..
i have crazy thoughts of ending my life ( keep your opinion to yourself. be in my shoes and u know how i feel )

i am freaking careless nowadays. i almost poked myself in the eye with my umbrella today
(face palm)

i cry myself to sleep.
and i only sleep for less than 5 hours

i am tired. i wish there was an easier way to deal with this.

to all guys out there. before you say those 3 words to any girl. make sure u mean it.

and to all the girls, keep this in mind :

the amount of love you invested in any relationship is the same amount of pain you will take back when its over

thats all for now..

p.s. i miss you :'(

never give up

i was never the sort to give up so easily.
i always fought my way through it all to get what i want.
the more obstacles i face, the more determined i will be to get it.

i guess it was the same with u.
i fought my way through with my family members.
for over 2 years, i want through verbal abuse and even physical abuse for you. just to be with you.
i kept telling myself that it is worth it in the end.
they just don't understand.
i was wrong...

and they were right

you can never fight for someone who isn't fighting for you.
how do you fight for the person that u love when he is hoping that i was like some other girl that he was attracted to.

(overwhelmed with emotions again)

do i keep fighting for you. change who i am so that i fit in your requirements.

it hurts.. oh no.. it kills me a little inside all the time.

how do u let go that one person who fought for so much.
you went against everyone that u love for him.

putting literally your whole life on the line.
risking it all because you trust and believed that it is worth the risk.

after everything that took place.
am i finally giving up?
am i walking away?

knowing that i lose it all..
i mean ALL.

(sigh)

i learn a lot of valuable lessons.
to equip me so that i will not make the same mistake twice.

to your new lady love

you have no idea how blessed you are to have someone like daniel. A man like that is a rare gem. I hope you give him the love and care that he deserves.

things that i have learned about him over 2 years.

he tends to be very cranky in the morning when he wakes up.
oh yea.. do not wake him up earlier that the time he asked. he tends to over sleep.

he is not a breakfast person

he loves bikes!! he is actually crazy about bikes.
he is crazy about gadgets like phone, tabs etc

he hates hanging on the phone. he prefers texts.
do not ever hang up on him. do not put down the phone when he is talking to you!! it will drive him up the wall.

listen to him whenever he is angry and do not judge or give your opinion till he finish talking.

do not give him your attitude or sarcasm.

he is not always punctual. but he will want you to be punctual.

if you have any doubts, ask him straight. do not beat around the bush. it irritates him.


he loves to eat anything that is sweet. his favorite cake : pecan butterscotch

he loves his space and he doesn't like anyone invading his privacy.

by the way : futsal is his 1st wife. haha..

he loves drinking tea. he needs at least a glass of tea everyday no matter what the time (even midnight )

he loves to be taken care of. it makes him very happy to know that you are always there for him.

make him feel like a knight in shining armour. :)

he likes a girl who dress up well but decently. he loves girl with long straight hair. and she must wear a watch. he wants someone that he can go clubbing with, someone who is funny and smart.the more feminine the woman, the better :)

he loves to shop!! hahaha.. he will analyze till the last bit of information when he wants to get something new.

he has mood swings. its because he have a tough life. just be there for him. he might release his stress or anger on you but he will quickly apologies for hurting you.

he is very observant and he analyze everything.
be very honest with him. he has an amazing talent of knowing if you are lying to him.

personalize him. tell him every now and then what you love about him.

he tend to isolate himself when he is upset or angry. he just do not want to release it on anyone.

 he is a die hard fan of liverpool and never ever trash his team.
send him a lovey dovey text every now and then. it makes him smile and he will be hyper.

he is freaking hyper after eating chocolate. very hyper and funny.

his mom and sis means the world to him and they are the nicest human being on earth.

last but not least, he never had a big birthday party. maybe you can do that for him.

i realize despite crying the whole day, i was actually  smiling for 10 minutes while typing this post.

you have no idea how lucky you are that he is with you. there is someone who cries herself to sleep because she doesn't have what you have now.

you deserve better

i was never your type and i knew you were not happy with me. in a way its good that its over, at least there is nothing holding you back right now.
your new lady love is everything you wanted in your other half and everything that i was not
she is beautiful, sexy, out going, smart, sarcastic, she has an attitude, amazing personality and most important of all, you are very much attracted to her.

to be honest, i am having mixed emotion. i do not hate her and neither am i praying that it will not last. i am happy that you are finally with someone who deserves the amazing you. i am sad that i was not the one and i am jealous because she is so blessed to have someone like you (choked with emotion)

i know she is the one for you. she complements you very well and  she is indeed your better half.

its good to know at least you are happy. i do not have the strength to see you happy with someone else. i am not that strong.
whatever that happen between us, the good and bad, i will cherish forever.

thank you for keeping up with me for so long. thank you for being there even when i don't deserve you.

(tears rolling down the cheeks)

i do not hate you. i actually cant.
i sincerely wish the best for you and i do pray that our path will never cross ever again.

its officially over

finally i had the courage to be completely honest with my feelings.
i told him that i cant see our future together and we are not meant for each other.

it breaks my heart when he told me he doesnt love me :'(
it hurts alot!!

i begged him to help me. i told him to ignore all my calls, block me from social networking sites and be as mean as u can be so that i can move on.

i need this. he finally agreed.

today. i have nothing :(

no family and no loved ones. never felt so lonely before.

will be crying the whole day i guess.

in the future i might find someone else. but i can never love him as much as i love you.

first love is always the hardest to forget.

i wish you all the best in your life. i love you but it was just not meant to be :(

bitter truth

i guess it is hard to move on because you cant endure the feeling of being replaced. knowing that he is with someone else. knowing that he is happy without you. it hurts to the core, knowing that all the plans, dreams and hope that u had together with him is not gonna come true. he is making plans with someone else. he is planning his future with another girl.
(pause for awhile, to compose myself)

we made a lot of plans together. wedding, jobs, kids, their name, school and future.

our house, the interior decoration. haizzz..

i had a clear vision of how my future was gonna be like.but  now..

(sigh)

i have to start all over again and this time all by myself.

i have no one to make plans with.
not even my family. every decision and step that i take, i will be doing it alone.

(eyes filled with tears)

i made a decision 2 years down the road that changed my life and i am making another decision rite now that is gonna change my entire life again.

i am not gonna blame anyone neither will i wish him the worst for his future.
i had good and bad memories with him. the good ones i will cherish for ever and i will learn from the bad.

it just kills me a little inside knowing that you are gonna go on with your life and here i am picking up all the pieces and hoping to put them together. i might just be a memory to you (if i am blessed enough) or you might just forget me entirely.

wish i didn't have to make this but i know it is for the best.
its a battle between what is right and what i want. i want you but i cant have you because your role in my life has come to the end.
i decide to start a new chapter.

i know this is the right decision but it is not an easy path to take.
what matters is i have taken the first step.


(tears rolling down the cheeks)

how do you heal a broken heart

well.. i wish there was a specific drug for this.
sad to say none.
we all have to learn to deal with it and trust me.. it is NOT EASY

i am compiling all the advice that my friends and well wishers told me. so here it goes:

focus on yourself!!
this is the time to be a better version of yourself. to improve yourself.
get a new hair do, or go shopping!!

find a support group.
yes!! this is important. you get to share your feelings and these people will help to boost your confidence. they will advice you and most important of all, they will be there to wipe away the tears

keep yourself busy
indulge in something new. maybe a dance class or yoga. do something different. this will help to divert your attention and focus.


it all depends on you. if you want to curl up in one corner of your room and cry for days. your choice.
just remember this, what doesnt kill you make you stronger and why give others the pleasure of seeing you weak?