Common sense says that if you make a mistake, don't do it again. But it's hard to stop getting hurt by people I loved. I guess it's a curse to care about people who don't. Maybe one day I'll realize what I'm doing and be a lot more careful. Until then, I'll just keep wondering why it's hard to keep my heart in one piece

I feel a shortness of my breath
I feel I’m falling to my death
My heart is heavy it’s beating fast

How long does this empty feeling last
It’s all my fault I hurt him badly
Now he’s leaving I say sadly
This life is short & full of pain
It seems I’m gonna go insane
What is normal who’s to say
I know that pain is the price I pay
Is it worth it to try & mend this
He’s so easily offended
I don’t know what else to do
I’m lost I’m hurt I don’t have a clue
Another loss this love is over
I need some luck like a four leaf clover
I don’t know why this happens to me
I’m to blame can’t you see
So be gone & don’t look back
I won’t be here for you to attack
I loved you more than you’ll ever know
So turn around like you said & go

when you love someone who will always care eventhough it kills you

when you once love someone, you will always care for that person no matter how he treats you or how much he has hurt u in the past.

yes.. i love you .. i still do..
and whenever you call, i cant reject your calls.

i have been so worried about you these past few days. i even dreamed about you. now i know why. you were in trouble.
when you called me today, and your cried on the phone, i just broke down. i cant scold you or ignore you even though you called me names previously.

i just cant...

i talked to you to make sure that you are ok and i tried my best to help you.

i talked to the girl that you are in love with right now so that she will accept you and be with you.

both of you have hurt me so much.... but i still care and i want you to be happy.

but no one ones that i am not so strong, this whole process of making things work out for you is killing me. its like opening back old wounds.

(tears rolling down the cheeks)

i wish i could just turn around whenever you re in trouble. but i cant... :(

to hear you confess to me how much you love her and how u wish to be with her...

(pause to wipe my face as i cant see due to the tears flooding my eyes)

i really wish that things work out for you and i hope i dont hear from you ever again.

i cant go through this over and over again..

:'(

i guess i got to stop now if not i am gonna get electrocuted as my tear drops are falling down on the extension plug.

life so far...

i know it has been ages since i last drop by to update my blog. (blow the dust away)

sem 5 came to an end and now i am on my sem break. finally i can sit clueless and wonder what to do to kill time.

alot has taken place this sem. i dont even know where to start.

things with daniel is over for real. he is my past right now.a lot of drama was involved and it was ugly. but it is finally over. i do miss him every now and then. i have been dreaming about him for the past 3 days. i guess i just miss him.

he is with someone else right now. i hope this works out for you.

me on the other hand, i am happy the way i am now. stronger and wiser.

this sem has been challenging. lecturers do not help the students like they used to.. not much tips, at times no tips at all. doing past year questions do not help as they set a standard of only 10 % of past year questions can be recycled.  sigh...

other than that, i had research project to be completed. a girl copied my idea and another big scene there.

(sigh)
i dont get it.. y so many mean people around. they stooop so low. dont they feel guilty? how do they even live with the fact that they have done something so mean to someone else. that issue has settle and i have learned from my mistake. i am not gonna be nice and i am gonna think of myself first.i am done being used and taken for granted.

i presented my research project poster and received positive feedback for the evaluator. i even hand in my proposal to my supervisor. i even passed the seed grant and i am hopping for the best.

during this sem break, i am gonna start working on the dry research (just in case if i do not get the seed grant)

next sem, i wont be taking any heavy subjects. the subjects that i am taking next sem is clinical diagnostic 2, malaysian study, moral study and research project 2.

oh yea.. i have also completed my internship forms and passed it to the lecturer. (one less thing to worry about)

cant believe time pass by so fast. i am gonna graduate in matter of months. hopefully after graduation, with god's grace i can do my masters :)

(time to be emo)

i miss shamini and his family. i know daniel told me to stay away from them (i have no idea why). i miss them so badly. especially sham. i am not sure how she feels and if she still thinks of me. but i miss her and i am worried about her. haizzz :(

i hope one fine day all this mess get sorted out and things will be better (fingers across)

shammy: bahan misses u :( u stay strong and study smart k. i know you can do it. work your way towards achieving your dreams. i love you 

those hurtful words

did you ever think of the effects your words had on that person

would it kill you to shut up?
to keep those hurtful words inside?
or at least consider the effects your hurtful words will have

your words cut like knives
those deep wounds gush blood
those wounds leave scars
and sometimes they don't go away

One day you're going to want that girl, that girl that knew she wasn't perfect, but tried to be perfect for you. The girl that believed the scraps of you she was given were worth it, because something was better than nothing. That girl who wanted nothing more than to be there for you, and loving you was the only way she could. The girl who saw your flaws, but valued them as much as your strengths. That girl who still can't bring herself to hate you, even though you probably deserve it. That girl who saw past your pretty eyes and treasured parts of you that no one else will ever appreciate in the same way. The girl who realized she may never have had your heart, but will never regret a day where you were the only thing she wanted. The girl that should have you, but doesn't, even though she deserves it.

i forgive you

i know at one point in life i wished for the worst to happen to you. i was angry and upset for whatever that you did.
but..
knowing that you are in trouble and you are going through so much, i am not happy. i keep crying and i feel guilty. this guilt is eating me up.

i forgive you for whatever that you have done to me. i really do.
i do not wish anything bad to happen to you. i pray for you to be as happy as you can be.

i hope you find whatever that you are looking for.
and i hope it is everything you dreamed your life would be and so much more.
and where ever you are, i hope that you are happy.

hamesha and forever

Hamesha & forever, jab tak saanson ka saath hai
Hamesha & forever, jab tak taaron ki raat hai
Hamesha & forever, tab tak teri hi baat hai
Hamesha & forever dil mein tu

letting go

It's a lot harder than it seems. You talk all day, everyday. You fall asleep on the phone together. You wake up to good morning texts. You think about them every second you're awake then when you're asleep, you dream about them. You spend time with them whether it's in person or not. They soon become a part of your everyday life and you get used to it… Then all of a sudden, they leave

. Most of the time once they're gone, they're gone for good. Meaning, no more late night calls, no more cute text messages (actually no texts at all), and all of that. The first few days you will want to call, text, and really do everything just to talk to them and restore what's “normal”. But, as much as you try, things don't change. The hardest part is letting go. You check their facebook often just to see what they're doing and also to see if they have someone new. This person that was once your everything is now just a memory. A memory that you replay over and over again in your head. You spend nights reminiscing in the said words, shared laughs, all the good things that went on during the time you two were together. Letting go can take weeks, months, even years. Remember that this was just a fragment of time, a memory that will someday fade. ♥ :]

growing up

i am 21 this year. therefore i am considered as an adult. but i am wondering is age a good yardstick to measure someone's maturity level. do u grow up according to your age?

i guess no.

i still feel i am a child. i am afraid to grow up. live on my own and make my own decisions.
i am afraid to face the real world all alone.

:'(

i guess i am just going through the peter pan syndrome.

as a child, i was never afraid of anything. i was eager and curious to know and learn new things. but today, i am even afraid to trust people.

i am scared that the decision i make will destroy my life.

haizz..

i am not ready to face the real world yet.
i guess being all alone and having no one to guide me is scaring me.

:(

being a better me

I'm just living my life & 
being the best version of a woman I can be.
I’m not always going to please everyone.
At the end of the day, the only person I should be answering to is myself.
You have to speak your mind.
Don’t let anyone talk you out of being you.

We are all a little damaged,
some of us hide it better than others
but on some level we are all torn up.
we take it our on others,
and beat through life carrying it all
& we will end up damaging someone else
and most of the time we won't notice, nor care,
because we are too busy with
our own little disaster.

promises and vows ?

it is rather strange, we easily make promises, vows and plan the future when we are happy and in love.
i guess promises is just a saying of keeping and breaking :/

we promise to never leave each other and to always love and cherish one another.
we promise to be loyal and never hurt the other half.

we were so sure that we couldn't live without each other.

life seems impossible to live without you by my side.

the person who promise to never make you cry is the one that hurts you the most.

(shake head)

here i am today. without you by my side.
i am alive and i am happy.

living my life to the fullest and realizing how foolish we tend to be when we are in love.

we underestimate ourselves and believe that without him/her, there is no way we can be happy.

thinking back and remembering all the promises we made each other.
you broke all of yours and sad to say.. i broke mine too...
i promise to never leave you no matter what comes and i did leave.

i learn not to make promises easily because a promise made is a debt unpaid.

There's no love like the first

One could fall in love many times during the course of a lifetime, but the first rush of love always holds a special place in our hearts. The novelty of the feeling, like the first drops of dew on an untouched leaf, makes it special and unforgettable.
First love is powerful.  It builds us up, and it can tear us apart.


i can never love anyone like i loved you. the feeling just doesn't come. its a different feeling. nothing like how i felt for you. 
i guess.. that is why people say that first love is the hardest to forget. 


i guess i will never be able to forget what we shared. 
the good times and the bad.
i am disappointed that it came to an end because of your STUPIDITY.


i still tear up whenever i think about how you hurt me but i wouldn't doubt the fact that i am a stronger and a better person now. i value myself more. 
i put myself first and i know exactly what i want in life. love would be a bonus. 


the thing about first love is you never knew you could feel that way for someone.
the care, love, eagerness to just hear his voice and all the silly long hours conversation about random things. 
your life becomes a fairy tale. you will be over the moon and you will start planning about your marriage and even your life together with him. 


then.. he breaks your heart. leave you alone and move on like nothing happen.
all your happiness being sucked out of you. 


you realize life is not a fairy tale and u snap back to the harsh brutal reality. you tell yourself that you never gonna fall in love again. that every man out there is a heartless bastard. you stop believing in love. you see a happy couple and u think ( i wonder how long is this gonna last )




(sigh)


i wouldn't say i am over you. i care about you and you still come across my mind every now and then. 
but i have let you go. it caused me lots of grief, pain, and tears. but i manage to do it. :)




“Everybody says the first cut if the deepest. It’s so true. I don’t know if it’s because it’s the best love, but it’s the first that you remember. There is one boy that I will remember for the rest of my life, and I wouldn’t go as far as to say, ‘Oh I was in love with him and he broke my heart’. You hold on to that, just that first experience, it’s good to have and you should appreciate it, even if it hurts.”  kristen stewart 




“Something about first love defies duplication. Before it, your heart is blank. Unwritten. After, the walls are left inscribed and graffitied. When it ends, no amount of scrubbing will purge the scrawled oaths and sketched images, but sooner or later, you find that there’s space for someone else, between the words and in the margins.” 
― Tammara Webber, Where You Are

how ??

I don’t understand how you can smile all day long but cry yourself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do.. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without.How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out.

karma day

today is karma day?  i was shocked to find this out via twitter.
it made me think of all the people who have hurt me and yes.. i did think of you mr daniel.

i realized life is not fair. you get to live your life the way u want and here i am suffering for trusting you.
i am paying the price for being with you :)

family members treat me as a joke and laugh at me.

i get sarcasm and lots of hurtful remarks because of you.

i didn't do anything wrong,,

i trusted you. to be there for me. to be loyal and to at least appreciate whatever nonsense i was going through just because i wanted to be with you.

(sobbing )

you are a loser and a heartless jerk..

for hurting me in such a way .. not once, not twice but countless time.

being with you was a mistake.

trusting you and thinking that you are worth every sacrifice and pain is plain stupidity.

no one takes me seriously at home.. and its all because of you.

i hate you for everything that you have done and everything that i am going through for you.

you will have to pay a very heavy price for each time i grief and for every tear drop.

i was loyal and right. you were wrong for me..
i wish you could at least be a man and let me know this way earlier and safe me from this pain.

To Travel is Better Than to Arrive

“Some famous guy once said, ‘To travel is better than to arrive‘. and I was like ‘What!?’ Well, because I used to think that there was only one path to take to where you wanna get to be in life. But if you choose that one path, that doesn’t mean you have to abandon all the others. I realized that it’s actually what happens along the way….that counts. The stumbles or the falls. The friendships. It’s the journey. Not the destination. You just gotta -I guess- trust the future will work itself out like it’s supposed to.”
-Moose (Adam G. Sevani)


This quote was taken from the movie Step Up 3D

 I like the quote “To travel is better than to arrive,” because it truly is about the journey we take in life. Sometimes the journey isn’t what we expected. I, for one, know that first hand. However, it’s the knowledge we gain, the people we meet, and the mistakes we learn from that gets us to where we want to be in life.

In my opinion, when we just have the destination in mind it skews the direction we want to go in and the way we ultimately perceive things. By only seeing the destination in mind we don’t realize the obstacles we’re going to have to go through to get there. I think this quote truly defines that we won’t get anywhere in life without having to work hard for whatever it is we want to achieve or where we want to get. We WILL have to work hard and put in the effort to learn. We WILL meet people, make friendships, and build relationships–some that last and some that don’t, unfortunately. And we WILL make mistakes. With those mistakes (and failures) we’ll have to learn to pick ourselves back up.We’re so caught up about the way we look and what others may think about us when in reality it doesn’t matter. We often think too much about the future and what’s up ahead than just enjoying the now.

What makes life so precious? It’s the journey we go through. What we experience and what we gain from those experiences while headed towards the destination. The end result.

the good in the bad

i have to thank you for coming into my life as a lesson.

each lie, betrayal and manipulation that i had to endure made me a wiser and stronger person.

i am not as naive as i used to be. 

thank you for making me realize no man is worth the price of sacrificing my family.

thank you for teaching me not to trust anyone easily.

thank you for letting me learn the hard way that not everyone is worth the time and effort that we put in

thank you for showing me how mean and deceiving people can be.
thank you for letting me know that never to keep high hopes and love someone more than they deserve 

 last but not least,

thank you for giving me the most valuable lesson in life : to get my priorities right and to never tie my happiness to people 

i have alot to thank you for. you are my biggest mistake and also the most important lesson learned.

no matter how much i try, i can never hate you.

do i care for you ? 

yes. i do. 

but...

you are nothing more than my bitter past. 

a dark phase in my life.

if i do look back its to remind myself not to repeat my mistakes. 

thank you once again :) 

my wish for you

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,

And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,


But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
 you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

Yeah, this, is my wish.

i am moving on

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I'm moving on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone


I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm moving on

random

How the world seems so unfair, 
creating a love that cannot be shared
 as you go your way and I go mine.

:)

When we're in love, we tend not to see the bad side of someone. That's the pathetic part of it. Sometimes, even the worst person in the world can be the best person for your own belief. Love is not blind, it sees, but it doesn't mind.


Don't be disappointed if the person you love doesn't love you, because God has said "This is my world and even I couldn't make my every creation love me"

sick :(

freaking sick.
this is my 3rd visit to the hospital :(

coughing like a tb patient rite now.
my ribs hurts :(

difficulty in breathing and sore throat :(



haiz.. it has been a very challenging week.

people.. please check the obituary.
i have never felt so sick before

to your new lady love

you have no idea how blessed you are to have someone like daniel. A man like that is a rare gem. I hope you give him the love and care that he deserves.

things that i have learned about him over 2 years.

he tends to be very cranky in the morning when he wakes up.
oh yea.. do not wake him up earlier that the time he asked. he tends to over sleep.

he is not a breakfast person

he loves bikes!! he is actually crazy about bikes.
he is crazy about gadgets like phone, tabs etc

he hates hanging on the phone. he prefers texts.
do not ever hang up on him. do not put down the phone when he is talking to you!! it will drive him up the wall.

listen to him whenever he is angry and do not judge or give your opinion till he finish talking.

do not give him your attitude or sarcasm.

he is not always punctual. but he will want you to be punctual.

if you have any doubts, ask him straight. do not beat around the bush. it irritates him.


he loves to eat anything that is sweet. his favorite cake : pecan butterscotch

he loves his space and he doesn't like anyone invading his privacy.

by the way : futsal is his 1st wife. haha..

he loves drinking tea. he needs at least a glass of tea everyday no matter what the time (even midnight )

he loves to be taken care of. it makes him very happy to know that you are always there for him.

make him feel like a knight in shining armour. :)

he likes a girl who dress up well but decently. he loves girl with long straight hair. and she must wear a watch. he wants someone that he can go clubbing with, someone who is funny and smart.the more feminine the woman, the better :)

he loves to shop!! hahaha.. he will analyze till the last bit of information when he wants to get something new.

he has mood swings. its because he have a tough life. just be there for him. he might release his stress or anger on you but he will quickly apologies for hurting you.

he is very observant and he analyze everything.
be very honest with him. he has an amazing talent of knowing if you are lying to him.

personalize him. tell him every now and then what you love about him.

he tend to isolate himself when he is upset or angry. he just do not want to release it on anyone.

 he is a die hard fan of liverpool and never ever trash his team.
send him a lovey dovey text every now and then. it makes him smile and he will be hyper.

he is freaking hyper after eating chocolate. very hyper and funny.

his mom and sis means the world to him and they are the nicest human being on earth.

last but not least, he never had a big birthday party. maybe you can do that for him.

i realize despite crying the whole day, i was actually  smiling for 10 minutes while typing this post.

you have no idea how lucky you are that he is with you. there is someone who cries herself to sleep because she doesn't have what you have now.

to you

dear daniel

i know there is no way you can possibly read this.
but yea.. i just wish to write it down.

it has been more than 48 hours i last hear your voice :(
and i miss you.

i hope you eat your meals regularly and you are still consuming the protein supplement.

i hope you take care of yourself and don't push yourself too much when it comes to playing futsal

be extra careful while riding the bike :)

please control your anger and try not to let it out on anyone.

study smart and push up your grades this semester k.

i know you have been working your ass off for lakshya and i know without a doubt it is gonna be a huge success. dont worry much k. i know you are under alot of pressure :) but it will all work out.

i also know you will find that someone special that you will be crazily in love with.

 i hope you do get to work in US as u planned

last but not least i wish you all the happiness, success and love.
i dont wish to see you ever again because even seeing you picture makes me weak.
i wish you happiness but i cant see you being happy with someone else. ( doesnt make sense.. yes i know )

still trying

i am ok. not emo or devastated or crying my eyes out.
it just from time to time, few things around me reminds me of him.
i did something stupid yesterday.
i was half asleep and i woke up to call him.
i dialed his number and was listening to the dial tone when it struck me that... oh no!! i am not suppose to call him cause we broke up.
pfftttt.. i still dream about him..
i  dream about talking to him and seeing him.
to make matter worst...

nava had to post a picture of him with nantha in instagram!!
haizz... i had tears in my eyes just looking at his picture.

i had a very strong urge of talking to him.
but i thought of all the times he lied, cheated and hurt me.
i was angry with myself for being so vulnerable.

i know without a doubt he is being his usual self. having fun, flirting around and spending time with his friends.
the thought of me hardly ever crossed his mind.

maybe he has forgotten me :)

(sigh)

the one that loves the most, get hurt the most when it ends.
so it explains my situation right now.

note to self :
if he wanted you, he would have call or at least check on you sharan.

i am the one checking on him through thoba.
haizz...

friends :)

i am truly blessed to have friends who are always by my side through thick and thin.

first and foremost is GURUJI!! haha
even thinking of him makes me smile.
i know him for 6 very long years.
he has been very supportive and he motivates me all the time.

next on the list is thobashini.
i know this woman for only 2 years and i have not seen her in person.
how awesome is that!!
haha. she is what i call a sister from another mother.
she knows exactly everything that is going on in my life and i can never find any woman stronger than her.
love you didi!!

the 3rd and the funniest among them all is PRAVIN
he is a year younger than me and he is a sweet heart!!
he makes me smile and is always there in a heartbeat if i need help.

last but not least is my crazy funny bunch of college friends : deepa, guna, kak ros, liyana and many more.

they have been so supportive and they never fail to cheer me up.
they give me good advice and i know they have my best interest in heart.

thank you to each and everyone of you for always being there and for being my pillars of strength :) love you all

bitter sweet

ello!!!!

so far.. my day was pretty good.
i got my supervisor for my rp :)
yeaaaaayyyyyy..
i need to see her asap regarding my research.
hopefully i can do wet :D

now the bitter part:
i miss him..
alot..
my days feel empty without him.
i dont cry or weep.
i just feel extremely lonely.
i realised that i depended on way too much. i used to bother him every now and then. call him up randomly just to hear his voice.

(sigh)

its like some sort of addiction.
and i crave his presence.

i went through the whole day feeling empty, lonely and incomplete.
its like.. i forgot to do something important and like i missed a routine.

(sigh AGAIN)

i am a little sad but mostly lonely. things are not the same without him. i just have to get used to it.
i bet he doesn't even think of me as much as i think of him right now.
:)

2 years of having him on my mind all the time. starting and ending my day with him. his voice was my drug.

i made this decision and i am glad i did. i just need to stay strong and face it.

one thing is for sure. Mr. DANIEL SIVABALAN : i will never forget you. :)

idiotic jerk!!

i am soooooooooo pissed off!!! arrgghhhh

i took my time and effort to do you fucking assignment for you and you have the cheek to email it to that BITCH!!!

wow!!!!

you are good for NOTHING!!

it was my hard work and you have no right to pass it to someone else without asking me first!!

i wish you rot in hell for everything that you have done!!!

i will pray hard and make sure you pay the price for everything that you did to me..

progress so far

hellooooooooooooooo

haha.. as you can guess, i am hyper and happy!!
it is working.
i feel better and much more positive about myself.
i enjoyed my day and i am anticipating for whats next.

its all in your head and depends on your perspective.

change it and you will be a different person :)

few motivational quotes

the new me

i read a book that actually made me realize why i have been so unhappy this whole time.

it actually changed my perspective and made me think out of the box. 

with each line that i read, i heard pings in my head and i could relate it to myself.

the book is THE SECRET by  Rhonda Byrne

i am not revealing the content of the book here because i feel you should read it and find out by yourself.

after reading the book.

i started writing down what i want in life 

and i plan to chant everything on this list everyday..

i am gonna wake up reading this list and i am gonna end my day reading this list.

instead of thinking about anything that makes me sad, i will look at this list. 

everyday.

from time to time i will add on the list and i will make sure i achieve it. 

that is my goal. :)

the unhappy me

alright...
i know i have been posting alot of emo stuff here.
promise to change for the better.

as the tittle suggests, i have been very unhappy for the past 2 years.
i actually know why..

i started and ended my day by thinking about you.
it was always about you.
i gave my key of happiness to you.
my biggest mistake ever.

no matter how much you love someone, your happiness should never be in their hands. this is because you will be taken granted for.
it is human nature. we run after something or someone that never chase us, and we ignore the ones chasing us .

therefore, i do not blame you.

thinking about you all the time reminds me of my misery, of my family and how lonely i was.
after few months, it reminds me of your constant betrayal and how you think i am not good enough for you.

i think about this day in and day out.

this was the reason i have been so unhappy for the past 2 years.

and i plan to change this..

how?
that will be in my next post. :)

goals

alright.. time to set new goals and work my way to achieve it.

so here it goes:

1. i want to score 4.00 this sem..

2. i am gonna gain at least 10 kg in 2 months time..

3. gonna perm my hair (waiting for it to grow longer)

4. gonna be more socialistic

carelessness

ok.. i have no idea what is running in my mind today.
i trip in the bathroom and knock my head on the sink. its swollen :'(
when closing the sliding door, my finger got slammed. its swollen and blue black now :'(

i accidentally spill hot water on my leg :(
its burning rite now.

haizz...

lets hope my carelessness dont be the cause of my death

journey of a final year student

say hello to sem 5!!
even the first week is crazy.
choosing supervisor, deciding whether to do wet or dry lab and of course i already received my first assignment and project.

however i am not complaining.
i decided to continue tutoring and keep myself as busy as possible.

ok.. emo time

i miss him.. so damn much,,
he is still my first and last thought everyday.

i always forget to forget u.
get what i mean
(sigh)
i am crapping

i am scared of myself.
i am afraid i might end up doing something stupid
thats the reason i want to be as busy as i can be.

i dont feel like eating but i am forcing myself to eat
and when i have nothing to do..
i have crazy thoughts of ending my life ( keep your opinion to yourself. be in my shoes and u know how i feel )

i am freaking careless nowadays. i almost poked myself in the eye with my umbrella today
(face palm)

i cry myself to sleep.
and i only sleep for less than 5 hours

i am tired. i wish there was an easier way to deal with this.

to all guys out there. before you say those 3 words to any girl. make sure u mean it.

and to all the girls, keep this in mind :

the amount of love you invested in any relationship is the same amount of pain you will take back when its over

thats all for now..

p.s. i miss you :'(

never give up

i was never the sort to give up so easily.
i always fought my way through it all to get what i want.
the more obstacles i face, the more determined i will be to get it.

i guess it was the same with u.
i fought my way through with my family members.
for over 2 years, i want through verbal abuse and even physical abuse for you. just to be with you.
i kept telling myself that it is worth it in the end.
they just don't understand.
i was wrong...

and they were right

you can never fight for someone who isn't fighting for you.
how do you fight for the person that u love when he is hoping that i was like some other girl that he was attracted to.

(overwhelmed with emotions again)

do i keep fighting for you. change who i am so that i fit in your requirements.

it hurts.. oh no.. it kills me a little inside all the time.

how do u let go that one person who fought for so much.
you went against everyone that u love for him.

putting literally your whole life on the line.
risking it all because you trust and believed that it is worth the risk.

after everything that took place.
am i finally giving up?
am i walking away?

knowing that i lose it all..
i mean ALL.

(sigh)

i learn a lot of valuable lessons.
to equip me so that i will not make the same mistake twice.

to your new lady love

you have no idea how blessed you are to have someone like daniel. A man like that is a rare gem. I hope you give him the love and care that he deserves.

things that i have learned about him over 2 years.

he tends to be very cranky in the morning when he wakes up.
oh yea.. do not wake him up earlier that the time he asked. he tends to over sleep.

he is not a breakfast person

he loves bikes!! he is actually crazy about bikes.
he is crazy about gadgets like phone, tabs etc

he hates hanging on the phone. he prefers texts.
do not ever hang up on him. do not put down the phone when he is talking to you!! it will drive him up the wall.

listen to him whenever he is angry and do not judge or give your opinion till he finish talking.

do not give him your attitude or sarcasm.

he is not always punctual. but he will want you to be punctual.

if you have any doubts, ask him straight. do not beat around the bush. it irritates him.


he loves to eat anything that is sweet. his favorite cake : pecan butterscotch

he loves his space and he doesn't like anyone invading his privacy.

by the way : futsal is his 1st wife. haha..

he loves drinking tea. he needs at least a glass of tea everyday no matter what the time (even midnight )

he loves to be taken care of. it makes him very happy to know that you are always there for him.

make him feel like a knight in shining armour. :)

he likes a girl who dress up well but decently. he loves girl with long straight hair. and she must wear a watch. he wants someone that he can go clubbing with, someone who is funny and smart.the more feminine the woman, the better :)

he loves to shop!! hahaha.. he will analyze till the last bit of information when he wants to get something new.

he has mood swings. its because he have a tough life. just be there for him. he might release his stress or anger on you but he will quickly apologies for hurting you.

he is very observant and he analyze everything.
be very honest with him. he has an amazing talent of knowing if you are lying to him.

personalize him. tell him every now and then what you love about him.

he tend to isolate himself when he is upset or angry. he just do not want to release it on anyone.

 he is a die hard fan of liverpool and never ever trash his team.
send him a lovey dovey text every now and then. it makes him smile and he will be hyper.

he is freaking hyper after eating chocolate. very hyper and funny.

his mom and sis means the world to him and they are the nicest human being on earth.

last but not least, he never had a big birthday party. maybe you can do that for him.

i realize despite crying the whole day, i was actually  smiling for 10 minutes while typing this post.

you have no idea how lucky you are that he is with you. there is someone who cries herself to sleep because she doesn't have what you have now.

you deserve better

i was never your type and i knew you were not happy with me. in a way its good that its over, at least there is nothing holding you back right now.
your new lady love is everything you wanted in your other half and everything that i was not
she is beautiful, sexy, out going, smart, sarcastic, she has an attitude, amazing personality and most important of all, you are very much attracted to her.

to be honest, i am having mixed emotion. i do not hate her and neither am i praying that it will not last. i am happy that you are finally with someone who deserves the amazing you. i am sad that i was not the one and i am jealous because she is so blessed to have someone like you (choked with emotion)

i know she is the one for you. she complements you very well and  she is indeed your better half.

its good to know at least you are happy. i do not have the strength to see you happy with someone else. i am not that strong.
whatever that happen between us, the good and bad, i will cherish forever.

thank you for keeping up with me for so long. thank you for being there even when i don't deserve you.

(tears rolling down the cheeks)

i do not hate you. i actually cant.
i sincerely wish the best for you and i do pray that our path will never cross ever again.

its officially over

finally i had the courage to be completely honest with my feelings.
i told him that i cant see our future together and we are not meant for each other.

it breaks my heart when he told me he doesnt love me :'(
it hurts alot!!

i begged him to help me. i told him to ignore all my calls, block me from social networking sites and be as mean as u can be so that i can move on.

i need this. he finally agreed.

today. i have nothing :(

no family and no loved ones. never felt so lonely before.

will be crying the whole day i guess.

in the future i might find someone else. but i can never love him as much as i love you.

first love is always the hardest to forget.

i wish you all the best in your life. i love you but it was just not meant to be :(

bitter truth

i guess it is hard to move on because you cant endure the feeling of being replaced. knowing that he is with someone else. knowing that he is happy without you. it hurts to the core, knowing that all the plans, dreams and hope that u had together with him is not gonna come true. he is making plans with someone else. he is planning his future with another girl.
(pause for awhile, to compose myself)

we made a lot of plans together. wedding, jobs, kids, their name, school and future.

our house, the interior decoration. haizzz..

i had a clear vision of how my future was gonna be like.but  now..

(sigh)

i have to start all over again and this time all by myself.

i have no one to make plans with.
not even my family. every decision and step that i take, i will be doing it alone.

(eyes filled with tears)

i made a decision 2 years down the road that changed my life and i am making another decision rite now that is gonna change my entire life again.

i am not gonna blame anyone neither will i wish him the worst for his future.
i had good and bad memories with him. the good ones i will cherish for ever and i will learn from the bad.

it just kills me a little inside knowing that you are gonna go on with your life and here i am picking up all the pieces and hoping to put them together. i might just be a memory to you (if i am blessed enough) or you might just forget me entirely.

wish i didn't have to make this but i know it is for the best.
its a battle between what is right and what i want. i want you but i cant have you because your role in my life has come to the end.
i decide to start a new chapter.

i know this is the right decision but it is not an easy path to take.
what matters is i have taken the first step.


(tears rolling down the cheeks)

how do you heal a broken heart

well.. i wish there was a specific drug for this.
sad to say none.
we all have to learn to deal with it and trust me.. it is NOT EASY

i am compiling all the advice that my friends and well wishers told me. so here it goes:

focus on yourself!!
this is the time to be a better version of yourself. to improve yourself.
get a new hair do, or go shopping!!

find a support group.
yes!! this is important. you get to share your feelings and these people will help to boost your confidence. they will advice you and most important of all, they will be there to wipe away the tears

keep yourself busy
indulge in something new. maybe a dance class or yoga. do something different. this will help to divert your attention and focus.


it all depends on you. if you want to curl up in one corner of your room and cry for days. your choice.
just remember this, what doesnt kill you make you stronger and why give others the pleasure of seeing you weak?

there is no anesthesia for a broken heart

i am sure at some point we all  got rejected, hurt, dumped or cheated on. in short, we got our hearts broken.

the one that you love not necessarily loves you back but at times there a few blessed souls who do not have to take the complicated path and they find their other half.
Despite knowing the consequences of the game called love, all of us dream and yearn for it.

i have been in a relationship which did give me some good and bad memories. being naive and so young, i believed he was the ONE, he was my happily ever after but right now i am full with doubts.
i realized, men have the habit of not meaning what they say. ( yes, they are not so mature in this department)
I LOVE YOU just becomes a phrase to be close to someone.
many fail to realize the after effects of cheating and lying and how much it hurts your partner. after all there is no anesthesia for a broken heart. the grief, humiliation and fear of being cheated  is not something that can be taken lightly.
i am still learning how to deal with the pain.

but i know,

at the end of the day our life is all about choices, many a hearts trampled for better or worse.
loving is all about letting go and forgiveness. and know that these trying times will only make us stronger as we grow.believe there is light at the end of the tunnel, there is rainbow after the rain and every cloud has a silver lining. with time and lots of grief, you will eventually find the good in goodbye.
A heartbreak is a blessing from God. its just his way of letting us realize he saved us from the wrong one.

yours truly

being 21, i would say i am still getting to know myself in terms of my strength and weakness.
just a brief intro of me, myself and I

*extremely OPTIMISTIC.



* believe in HAPPILY EVER AFTER.



* workaholic



* love to prove PEOPLE WRONG (those who look down on me)



* extremely competitive and i can become jealous sometimes



* do not like to come second ( in short i love to win)



*I know exactly what i want in life( i have my goals, and to do list p.s. i dun call it dreams :P)



*determined and persistent



* never give up (whenever things get difficult, i become more determined to achieve it)



* very stubborn



*  trust too easily



* naive :(



* i do not fall in love easily but when i do, i fall flat on the ground



*helpless romantic



*recluse at times




* have mood swings



*i take time to be close to someone





* i am a vivid dreamer (i dream in colors)




*i forgive but i never forget

* if u hurt me really bad, i tend to be vengeful



*i cry very easily

* to most : i am strong, determined and bossy, i do not like to show my soft spots




that's all for now.. will be back real soon

strangers AGAIN

It’s amazing how at one point in our lives we will be extremely close with someone and then later they will become a complete stranger. You will pass by them without a word. Without a single acknowledging look. This person, who once knew you so well, who once knew your fears, your desires, your dreams, your past, is now walking right past you, seeing right through you.

teamwork

well, all of us at one point of our lives have worked in a group and i am sure you have come across few sleeping partners in the group who does not lift a finger.
teamwork is a myth. it does not exist at all. we have a lot of selfish people around us who feels its ok to let someone else do their part of the work. i have been in this situation numerous time.
in the beginning, i was pissed!!


i used to yell and give these parasite a piece of my mind but all of it fell into deaf ears.


i eventually just gave up. i do it all. its not fair. yes!! do i have a choice?
i just look at the positive side and think this way:
its ok that i do more work, i learn more.
i learn about time management, how to deal with complete assholes, how to get things done under intense pressure, and with each piece of extra work, i learn something new.
in a nut shell, its their loss.


i guess this is just part of growing up. looking at the brighter side of every problem :)

to all those leech out there who else count on someone else to do their work: